I’m one month into being a graduated MFA student. It’s a strange sensation, one that doesn’t really feel much different than when I was a student. But of course, I still find myself checking my daily schedule only to see that Monday to Thursday is booked with work all day, that Friday to Sunday is open for me to housekeep, see my partner, lounge around and perhaps go through “old” pictures. On top of all of this, I have been taking an antidepressant for the first time, and I want to be open about that because it’s okay to talk about these things. Before May, I was only in therapy, working through my anxieties about work, school and life in general. I started almost a year and 2 months ago, and I’ve seen monumental progress but of course, it’s never really 100% — and that’s okay. We should never be expected to be at 100% all the time. However, we decided to try out an antidepressant to see how it can help in conjunction with my therapy. Over a month in, and I’ve seen some distinct positive changes. I’ve had a better time getting out of bed, I’ve been more confident in myself, though I still struggle with that, I’ve been more open to things that I used to enjoy, but it’s not a silver bullet. There’s still self-discipline I need to incorporate.
I know I really only write about photography, but this stuff is vital to life and impact my artistic practice. It’s something that I have seen become more normal to talk about publicly after decades (perhaps centuries…) of mental health being a private endeavor. My partner hugely inspires me to be public about mental health. And I’m proud of her every day.
Recently, I’ve found it hard to get things rolling since returning from my Illinois trip in May. I shot 16 rolls of black and white 6x7 film while on that trip and I still have yet to justify the expense of sending it off to get developed and contacted. I’m excited to see what does eventually come out in those rolls, in fact I decided to approach shooting differently from how I typically have. When I was out in the corn fields or woodlands around my hometown, I had to remind myself that I was collecting material, there is no concept, there is no idea, only things, scenes, moments that catch my eye. I found myself fluctuating in and out of the intended “aimless” shooting and trying to grasp at something to tie them together. I wound up shooting photos at an abandoned go-kart track, in my “old stomping grounds” in the lake due north from my hometown, to obvious corn fields and small details, and small towns that would typically be passed by on the highway. Of course, there’s the clear rural interest, and that was where I wanted to start, but I didn’t want to have a pre-determined idea or even structure. It was liberating to shoot so much in the span of about a week, but I won’t be able to return to Illinois any time soon. This is a struggle that I, and many photographers working this way, encounter regularly.
I have no idea where any of these new images may take me. As I was driving home from work today, I was listening to Sasha Wolf’s podcast episode with Kristine Potter and Rebecca Bengal, having never actually seen the images of Dark Waters yet, it was inspiring to hear how Potter had gone about starting it off. She found an interest in bodies of water named after violence. This got me thinking about the different things that had caught my attention when scouting locations to drive toward in Illinois — one in particular was small, likely family-specific, cemeteries. I took photos of one in particular, around a dozen graves lay there, and my Catholic upbringing had kicked in. I felt a need to acknowledge that I was using these people’s resting place for the purpose of artwork, and that this resting place is not mine, that i am a visitor to this place. Even though I’m not a practicing Catholic anymore, I still said a brief prayer for the souls that rest there, thanking them for allowing me in to photograph this ground.
But that interest in small cemeteries wasn’t something I felt too comfortable exploring, but it is a lesson in realizing when I see something or think of something that can be a topic to grasp onto, especially now that I’m back in Massachusetts. I’ve been attracted to the countryside in the South coast of Massachusetts, longing to ride a bike around with my camera and take photographs similarly to how I did in Illinois this May. The landscape is rolling, rock borders between house properties, small forestry broken up by Yankee farms and ultimately the coast itself lined by salt marshes. It’s a landscape that is still foreign to me even though I’ve lived here for two years. I’m comfortable taking photographs out in the world, but I fall into a trap that many young photographers do — I think too much and never actually take the picture. Stephen Shore had even brought up this very scenario, with one of my favorite quotes of his, “Just take the damn picture!”
As I adjust to a new work schedule, new medications and find a groove in this new school-free life (Until I land a teaching job), it will be hard. It’s not something that anyone has easy fresh after finishing a grad program or even undergrad. I’m incredibly grateful to have a wonderful opportunity at my job that will allow me to make art on the weekends and afford to send it off, show it online and locally, to begin funding book projects to come. Budgeting is vital, my friends. Who knows where this will lead, but the momentum can’t stop — but we are always allowed to rest. Right now, I’m resting before I pick up the camera again soon enough.